tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32922763.post937058940965121747..comments2024-02-01T03:39:58.509-05:00Comments on R.A.M...Random Access Me-ness: BFS #8-Dirty LaundryUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32922763.post-21267363926145499602007-11-19T09:55:00.000-05:002007-11-19T09:55:00.000-05:00"Undrape! you are not guilty to me, nor stale nor ..."Undrape! you are not guilty to me, nor stale nor discarded,<BR/>I see through the broadcloth and gingham whether or no,<BR/>And am around, tenacious, acquisitive, tireless, and cannot be shaken away."<BR/> -Walt Whitman, Song of Myself<BR/><BR/>Sometimes at night, when it gets too hard, when I can't unremember and I'm afraid that I'll shatter completely this time, I recite this to myself and stop to breathe. I recount every good thing I've ever done, every person whose life I have affected, and every person who loves me even when I'm not perfect. Then I turn further inward and concentrate on the core of myself that manifests itself in so many good deeds.<BR/><BR/>It's hard. Every time I screw up, every late paper, every commitment not kept, theres that voice that nags and says that maybe I was broken from the start. Maybe those things that happened to me happened because he saw the monster that I really am. I would be a liar if I claimed those thoughts didn't still exist. <BR/><BR/>But I know those thoughts are wrong, those lies beaten into me are the real monster and what needs fighting. What's better, I'm winning. I assess myself, my accomplishments, my passion, my constant search for justice and right. I love greatly, and I am -not- broken. He hurt me, he wounded me in ways that will scar forever, but those scars are there, they're a part of me, and I can learn to love them too. I love myself, and my life. Like all paths to recovery, there are those moments in the dark, those relapses, but they too shall pass. I overcome them, and I know you will too.<BR/><BR/>I know that your beliefs have you turn to God, and I understand that. Please don't take this as a dismissal or demeaning of your path to recovery... but I have to say this:<BR/><BR/>You need to be happy with yourself because YOU are an incredible woman. Love God, appreciate the relationship you see with him. However, don't love yourself just because you see how he views you. Love yourself because YOU see yourself, and you've learned to love whats there. Fight the monster Xuan, because when you win, you're free.<BR/><BR/>I love you always.<BR/><BR/>-Missy<BR/><BR/>P.S-- If the monster is still too loud to see the truth clearly, don't give up! Your friends love you and are happy to help polish some of those mirrors for you. Xuan, you're amazing. You were my teacher, my friend, my sister, and my parent. You gave me a safe house and did your best to make it a home for me. You love in ways that are awe inspiring and you know how to smile and bask in sun beams and your background garden. You know the importance of lego people and days spent watching Mickey Mouse and riding bicycles at the park. Those are very special traits. Don't let someone else's transgressions against you keep you from praising yourself. I don't need a god to reveal your worth--your value, your goodness, is intrinsic and unveiled to all of us (except maybe you =)).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com