Dinner Conversation

The tone of the conversation is not atypical for our home. As always, names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Me: I had lunch at Christopher Robin's house today. Would you like to know what she fixed me? (It really isn't a yes/no question, so I just continue talking.) It was delicious. She made paninis on calipso bread with asiago cheese, roast turkey, mayonnaise, dijon mustard, tomatoes, artichoke hearts, and red peppers.

Toa of Boy: Ewww!

The Jedi: Ba-BUM, Ba-BUM, Ba-BUM.

Toa of Boy: It sounded good until you said artichoke hearts. That's just gross.

Me: You've never even tried artichoke hearts. They are delicious.

The Jedi: Ba-BUM, Ba-BUM, Ba-BUM

Toa of Boy: I didn't even know fish had hearts.

The Jedi: Ba-BUM...The artichoke heart is coming down your street.!...Ba-BUM....

Sweetling: You're thinking of anchovies.

Me: Artichokes are a vegetable.

The Jedi: Ba-BUM...The artichoke heart is outside your door!....Ba-BUM, Ba-BUM...

Me: And yes, fish have hearts.

Toa of Boy: Oh. Maybe that's not so bad then. I thought it would be slimey.

The Jedi: The artichoke heart is coming to eat you up!...Ba-BUM, Ba-BUM

My Day at Co-op

This is not atypical.

1. Running late. About to call the other teacher for our 9am to let her know I'm running late, when the phone rings. It's the other teacher. Her youngest son has just shot himself in the eye with a plastic pop-up thing. She won't be making it to the 9am class.

2. I pull into the parking lot at co-op at 9am. Maybe 9:01...but who's counting?

3. First class, "Fun and Games". We play two rounds of four corners followed by half an hour or more of "Fruit Salad"....except we make it "Candy Bag" in honor of Valentine's Day. It's a variation of musical chairs. The boys in the class turn it into a contact sport. My take on this is....no blood, no tears--next round!

4. Kids are super-hyper by the end of "class". Fix this by handing them chocolate and sending them on to their next class. 

5. I eat a bag of sun chips during a member meeting so I have something on my stomach to take another dose of cold meds.

6. Turn in my photocopy request. Take a pair of crutches out to the van. Pay for pizza with money I borrowed from Sweetling. Make arrangements for Sweetling to attend the lazer tag outing on Wednesday.

7. Grade the Christian Life papers from my high school Life Skills class. Try not to feel too hypocritical doing so, when the spiritual maturity of some of the youth is so amazing.

8. Defeated by trying to sort five different colors of papers into 12 separate stacks. Rescued by a good friend who just took over and did it for me.

9. Pick up photocopies. Meet up with Toa of Boy. Make sure Toa gets his pizza and then drop Toa off with another great mom who offers to let Toa eat lunch with her and her boys.

10. Eat two bits of my sandwich and spend the rest of my lunch time setting up for Amazing Race.

11. This weeks challenge for Amazing Race is way too time consuming and unfun. Compensate by putting little chocolate candy bars on top of each stack of papers for the "Road Block." The students, being the awesome and terrific group that they are, take the terrible challenge on the chin and knuckle down and do their best without complaint. Eat an orange while they labor unjustly.

12. End of class is chaos. In retrospect, I know how I *should* have handled the scoring system, but hindsight is 20-20. My very patient aid in the class goes into 'damage control mode' and does ALL the clean up.

13. Head to my high school Life Skills class well after the start of the next class period. Ironically, the homework being handed in is on time management.

14. Have a nice, free-flowing discussion about what the students discovered in keeping their time logs for a day.

15. Went over the next week's assignment on Project Management. Used reorganizing my kitchen cupboards and baking supplies as an example. Made sure to put "Get help from my friend Jackie" on the list of project steps. At least I'm honest.

16. Talked about the sort of projects the students might complete for their Project Management assignment. Gave one young man permission to build something in Minecraft for his project.  Release the class early.

17. Trying to organize the mad stack of papers I have from Amazing Race. Realize that there were 11 students in class today, and I have six copies of this week's homework assignment that got left behind on the tables after class. Spend the end of co-op trying to touch base with as many Amazing Racers as I can spot. Each one assures me that they put their homework for the week in their backpack. Resign myself to emailing the homework to the parents.

18. Meet up with Toa and Sweetling. Collect all our stuff. Go and sit and shiver on the playground till three o-clock so that Toa can play with his friends a bit.

19. Leave co-op.

20. Stop at Walmart for more cold meds. Toa requests bananas. We're also out of juice. In the produce section, Sweetling finds leeks and remembers a recipe from her manga cookbook that calls for leeks. We leave Walmart with cold meds, juice, bananas, leeks, asparagus, two loaves of French bread, and a box of bakery cinnamon rolls.

21. Next stop is the library. Toa has two Captain Underpants novels on hold and ready to be picked up. I have two Downton Abbey books ready to be picked up. Sweetling checks for the third book in a manga series she is reading, but it isn't in.

22. Home near 5pm. Many trips are needed to unload everything from the van. I start water boiling and toss pieces of chicken in the microwave to thaw. The menu for tonight will be chicken alfredo, grilled asparagus spears, and cheesy garlic toast.  My sister calls and I burn the garlic toast to a crisp in the boiler. The asparagus spears get cold while I'm draining the spaghetti and dealing with the alfredo sauce, and I set off three smoke alarms in the house. No lie.

23. Sweetling miraculously makes it out the door in time for her 6:30 black belt class. I give Toa a blueberry brownie and sit down to watch last nights episode of Downton Abbey.

24. It turns out the episode was a two hour episode. Time to get Toa a snack. He shows me his castle he is working on for his Lego Designer class at co-op.

25. Get the week's school lessons for Toa typed and printed with a cup of hot chocolate and half a cinnamon roll to sustain me while I work.

26. Tuck Toa in. Type half of this. Tuck Sweetling in. Type the other half of this. Tuck Mommy in.

Good night!

Dear Organization Guru....

I'm considering a career in arson. I think that might be the quickest, easiest way to get my house cleaned out and organized.

School starts in three weeks. I have a filing cabinet full of paperwork....90% of which I don't need...but 10% of which I do need. For the sake of the 10%, I'm stuck with going through the rest of the 90%.

School starts in three weeks. I have yet to assemble portfolios for each of my children so that we can submit them for an academic assessment, which I need to have completed to mail my letter of intent for this coming school year. This is further complicated by the fact that I have no camera, and the computer scanner and I aren't on speaking terms. Last year, I did their portfolios on my blog, mailed our assessor a link to the blog posts, and everyone was happy. I'd like to do that again this year, but the no camera portion is making this difficult. What I need to do is assemble their portfolios, write up the description, and then get the Jedi to scan some images for me. This requires more pre-thought than I usually do.

School starts in three weeks. Last years school books are still occupying the space on the school shelves. I'd love to take them off and put them away....but I have no away place to put them.

School starts in three weeks. I was going to get several closets and craft corners cleaned out, sorted, and organized during the summer. I got as far as the gaming bookshelf. I cleared off two desk surfaces, but now they are both covered again, because there is no away place to put stuff.

School starts in three weeks. Toa of Boy's closet is a disaster that literally avalanches all over his room every other day. I don't know how to fix these.

School starts in three weeks. But arson only takes a few minutes.

Things Mothers of Boys Say....

It's funny, because it's true....

Random collection of the things I have found myself saying over the past few weeks.

• "Come get this head out from underneath the kitchen table."

• "The tree branch is not coming in the house." 

• "What did my couch ever do to you?"

• "I want all the body parts in the hallway picked up and taken back to your room."

• "Look out for the mud! Loo--- Take your shoes off before you get back in the van."

• "Will you please rescue the skeleton trapped underneath the kitchen sink?"

• "Tell me that the hamster made it back into the cage safely."

• "Drop and give me twenty."

• "Watch your fingers! Watch your fingers! Watchyourfingersfingersfingers----- Do you want me to get  some ice for your fingers?"

• "Do NOT put that down your sister's shirt."

• "Can the ice pirate come out of the freezer now?"

• "Do I need to call your father?"

• "Go SCRUB your hands...with SOAP!!!"

• "So help me, if you ask me what's for dinner one more time..."

• "Yes, you can sleep in your fort."

• "You made that? By yourself? That's incredible!"

• "You did an amazing job!"

• "Way to stick with it!"

• "You are so creative."

• "You are so thoughtful."

• "I'm so proud of what a gentleman you are becoming."

• "Thank you for sticking up for your friend. His mother told me that it really meant a lot to him."

• "You did the right thing and I'm proud of you."

Contents of the Kitchen Table

At the end of the day, after the dinner dishes have been cleared off, there's always a few scattered things pushed to one corner of the table. (On a good day, its just a few things pushed to one corner. On a bad day, we eat in the living room. Don't judge me.)

The type and amount of items left on the table serve as an indicator of how the day went. Today was a great day for school. After the Jedi took the kids to Tae Kwon Do, I sat down with my phone and half a cup of hot chocolate, and recorded what was still on the table. (Besides my hot chocolate cup, which was a new arrival.)

Remnants of a good day:

• One plant in surprisingly good health
• One homemade basket filled with napkins
• One bottle joint supplement
• One miniature pumpkin
• One glass bowl with 2 apples
• One box ibuprofen
• One roll medical tape
• One thank you card from neighbors
• One painted tile (still waiting to be hung on wall) 
• One cut scrap of paper leftover  from earlier project
• One awana handbook 
• One halloween pencil 
• One pink highlighter 
• One baggie of awana bucks 
• Two glue sticks 
• One yellow highlighter 
• One chapter 5 math test 
• One history portfolio and time line 
• One green plastic army man

In other news, its been a while since I've blogged. One would think I would learn by now that whenever I have grand plans and schemes for my blog, that my blog posts actually decline in frequency. I get "behind" on the arbitrary standards I set for myself, and then I stop blogging until I can get "caught up."

Forget that.

Instead I bring you contents of my kitchen table. You can thank me later for not including the contents of my kitchen counter.

Alaska Sighting

We were at our neighborhood branch of the library today. On our way back to our van, Sweetling, who was lagging behind, exclaimed, "Look! I found an Alaskan license plate!"

Toa and I backtracked a bit, and there was indeed, a car with an Alaskan plate.

"What are they doing in Ohio?" asked Toa. "Don't they have libraries in Alaska?"

(About the plate: Kathy's Alaska License Plate - Kathy Sarns has been an artist in Alaska since 1982. Her original design for the Alaska Gold Rush Centennial License plate won the "Best Plate in the United States Award" in 1999. Computer graphic design created in Mac Freehand with electronic pen.)

Study Skills

This is from a strip called Agnes. It accurately represents my level of study skills, which is why I'd like Sweetling to take the "Study Skills" class at co-op next year.

Schooling Snippets

Just some snippets from our day. These aren't really that out of the ordinary for us....you can interpret that as you will.

Setting: The couch. We are all gathered there reading from "Hero Tales". The question, and the lesson was about Truthfulness. I had posed the second question after our reading, and this is how it went from there.

Toa of Boy: "I don't know. Can you just tell me, Mommy?"
Mommy: "What about you Sweetling, what do you think?"
Sweetling: *shrug*
Mommy rephrases the question.
Toa of Boy: "Just tell me, Mommy."
Sweetling: *shrug*
Mommy: "Well I think Toa of Boy should try to eat his own toes."
Toa: "aaaarrrggggghhhh" (as he puts the big toe of his left foot into his mouth)
Sweetling: "No, no, no, no, NO!!!!"

Setting: The kitchen. Toa of Boy and I were working on a math lesson measuring capacity and volume.

The result of our efforts: Little wet footprints made by little wet feet all along the kitchen floor and one empty milk jug with permanent marker lines drawn around it to denote a 1 liter fill line and a half liter fill line. 

Setting: The kitchen again. Sweetling had just emerged from her room for snack.

Mommy: "Hey Sweetling, what does 'ubiquitous' mean?"
Sweetling: ???
Mommy: "I've had that word stuck in my head for two days and I'm really not sure what it means."
Sweetling rushes out of the room and comes back just a few moments later.
Sweetling: It means 'being present everywhere'.
Mommy: Really??? Did your vocabulary book have a sample sentence?
Sweetling: yes.
Mommy: Did you read it? Do you know what it is? Can you tell me?
Sweetling; I think it was something about God being ubiquitous.
Mommy. Huh.
A few minutes pass while Mommy does food prep.
Mommy: So, 'a ubiquitous response' or 'a ubiquitous reply' doesn't really work.
Sweetling; What??? Where did you get that??
Mommy: I don't know. That's what's been stuck in my head. What word do I need there?
Sweetling: I have no idea. What are you trying to say?
Mommy: Like an answer that is difficult to really pin down, one that can mean more than one thing.
Sweetling: Ambiguous.
Mommy: Oh yeah....

Setting: The kitchen. I am preparing dinner. The Jedi has just arrived home from work and has come into the room to put away his lunch box and sort the mail.

The Jedi: So, whose Mobius strip is that on the table?

Setting: The van. We are on our way to church for Awana and The Brink. Toa of Boy is talking to Sweetling about a wide range of topics.

Sweetling: Wait, he's bald and he eats hair?
Toa: Yes! He eats hair and he's bald but if he eats the hair maybe it comes out on his head!!!!!

The Saga of "What's for Dinner?"

In Which Toa of Boy Has a Near-Death Experience without Realizing It.

The Setting:

The kitchen. The table is 2/3 covered with a cheap plastic disposable tablecloth, the surface of which is barely visible beneath an assortment of pinecones, sugargums, small sticks, dried grass, pebbles, and other found objects on one side AND piles of 2" fabric squares, empty glue bottles, lids to said glue bottles, scissors, an inverted bowl--half covered in glue soaked squares, a plastic container of watered down glue, and veritable lake of watery glue on the other side of the table. The third of the table not covered in a plastic cloth and filled with crafts holds an undead houseplant that has been neglected for too long, a bowl of fresh fruit which sits in strange juxtaposition next to its withered and brown neighbor, and an assortment of crafts and plaques which were gifts from Christmas 2009 and still haven't been hung on the walls. The counter, yes, single counter, is still covered in containers of Christmas cookies....most of which only have two or three cookies, but no one has gotten around to combining them. The stovetop is covered in plastic containers which used to hold the New Years Day Chinese food feast, but have now been washed and set to dry before being moved into storage to come out next December for use as cookie containers.

The Time:

 Shortly after 3:14 pm. I know this for a fact because at precisely 3:14 by the microwave clock, a certain young lady became uncharacteristically animated, exclaiming repeatedly, "Mommy, Mommy! It's three fourteen! It's three fourteen!" A bewildered Mommy finally figured out what the cause of excitement was....It was pi time. And Sweetling tries to claim she doesn't like math anymore.

The Events Just Prior to the Experience:

Sweetling had finished up her African elephant crafted completely out of found nature objects. The elephant had had is mandatory photo shoot, and had been relocated to the top of Sweetling's desk. Sweetling had not yet come back to deal with the hills of found objects still covering the table. Toa of Boy was just finishing up his "woven" basket. He was still dipping squares of fabric in the half glue/half water mixture and smacking them on the side of the inverted, saran-wrap covered bowl. I could tell that he was nearing the end of his patience, and being the kind, gentle hearted mother that I am, was coming to help him finish up. (After taking his picture of course.) Helping involved coming close to the sticky, gluey mess without letting Toa touch me or letting the sleeves of my sweater dunk themselves into the glue mixture.

The Near-Death Part:

Toa of Boy asked, "Mommy? What's for dinner?"

Mommy answered honestly, "I have absolutely no idea."

Toa: "What's for dinner, Mommy? What are our options?"

Mommy: "I have no idea."

Toa: "What do we have, Mommy?"

Mommy: "I don't know. I haven't loooked yet."

Toa: "Are you going to cook something?" (We've been having lots of leftovers this week.)

Mommy: "I. Don't. Know. "

Toa: "What is there to cook, Mommy?"

Mommy: "I don't know; I've been a little busy, and I haven't looked yet." (What is that about insanity being repeating the same thing and expecting a different outcome?)

Toa: "Well, you better hurry up with it, cause you have less than two hours till dinner time."

Ups and Downs

The Up--

Sweetling and Toa of Boy were finishing adding the eastern European countries to their maps of Europe. I had already checked their outlines and labeling, so I left the room while they colored the countries on their map. I was cleaning the bathroom when I heard Toa say,

"Wait a minute! What's this?"

I heard Sweetling's chair push away from the table, presumably so she could go around to where Toa was sitting and help him. A moment later she started singing, "There's a hole in the bottom of the sea."

"No really," protested Toa, "what is it?"

"I don't know," admitted Sweetling.

"Mommy!" yelled Toa.

"Wait!" cried Sweetling, "Let's just look it up ourselves!"

Ah, that, dear ones, was truly music to my ears. Rock on you empowered learners you!

(And, for those who are wondering, the thing which puzzled Toa was-- a small white space in the middle of his map of Europe. It was later discovered that this little white space was not a tiny country, nor a misprint on his map, but a little corner of Slovakia which had been inadvertently cut off from the rest of the country by an overly large capital S when Toa was labeling his map.)

(For those who weren't wondering, Toa has decided that "Slovakia"  sounds like a Bionicle name, maybe a bad guy villain name, thinks Toa.) 

The Down--

In November, we wrapped up our unit on Norway. Now, call me crazy, cause that was a whole month ago, but I kind of expected at least some of the main points to stick.

We watched some clips of Rick Steve from the travel channel in Norway. We found pictures of the fjords. We discussed extensively what a fjord was. Toa, in fact, proudly found a picture of one of Norway's fjords in an unexpected place and pointed it out to me with great excitement.

We also started reading a book called Snow Treasure. We did a cool hand's on project about just how heavy 75 pounds of gold would be. We talked about how it would be to be one of the children' trying to smuggle gold on their sleds past the Nazi soldiers. We talked about it as we read, we made references to the story at other times.

Today, we were reading the last couple chapters of Snow Treasure. I don't want to give out too many spoilers, but the main character of the book is forced to make a hasty get away by braving some of the cold waters of the fjord. The book described how the water was so cold it felt like it was biting him when he first put his feet in, but the character pushed on, plunging into deeper water.

"What's happening?" asked Toa. "Is it flooding?"

"No," I said, "Peter is going out into the water of the fjord."

"What's a fjord?" asked Toa.

In retrospect, I should have told him it was a giant Lego construct built to battle the Bionicle villain Slovakia.

Happy Birthday Vaya!

I have been composing a special birthday song just for you in my head since 7 this morning. But, because I love you very very much, I did not call you at 7:30 to sing it to you....even though doing so was very very tempting. Instead, I decided to post it on your Facebook page where all your friends and family can enjoy it too. See, I'm thoughtful that way. (I am, obviously, also posting this on my blog, since I'm way too pleased with myself. Sweetling co-authored this song, though I'm not sure how much she wants to admit to such a thing. She would also like to point out, and in fact did point out, that technically Vaya is not halfway to thirty. Halfway to thirty is fifteen. To which Mommy replies, math shmath.) 

 

We wish you a Happy Birthday,
We wish you a Happy Birthday,
We wish you a Happy Birthday,
Let's sing it again....

You're halfway to thirty,
You're halfway to thirty,
And when you ARE thirty,
I will sing this again!

Let's have chocolate at your party,
Let's have chocolate at your party,
Let's have chocolate at your party,
Again and again!

What do you mean I'm not invited?
What do you mean I'm not invited?
What do you mean I'm not invited?
You are grounded again.

If you visit me, I'll make chocolate,
If you visit me, I'll make chocolate,
And we can snuggle Peach Boy
Again and again!

We wish you a Happy Birthday,
We wish you a Happy Birthday,
We wish you a Happy Birthday,
And this is The End!

Noises in the Attic

Last week, early in the morning, there were loud noises coming from our attic crawl space. Clearly a possum or a raccoon was taking up residence, as we could easily hear him moving in his new furniture. Our new tenant was audible again one afternoon as the children and I were sitting on the couch reading together after lunch.

Toa of Boy looked up at the ceiling and asked what the noises were coming from.

I answered him honestly, and told him that a possum or a raccoon or something had gotten into the attic.

"It could be a rabbit," he said.

"No," I replied. "A rabbit couldn't climb up onto the garage roof to get into the attic."

"Rabbits can jump," he said.

"Not that high," I said.

"Could it be a skunk?" he asked.

"No, skunks can't climb either."

He didn't say anything else, and I went back to reading our story.

"Mommy," he asked, "what happened to Sheeba?" (Our dog who passed away a few years before Toa of Boy came home with us. Toa has seen pictures of her with a toddler Sweetling.)

"She died," states Sweetling, rather bluntly. Sweetling can only tolerate just so many interruptions.

I tried to resume the story.

"No," persisted Toa. "I mean what happened to Sheeba's body?"

After a moment of reflection, I pieced together what Toa's train of thought must be. "There is not," I stated, "a zombie dog in our attic."

This response seemed to satisfy Toa and we got back to reading our story, despite the occasional noise from the attic.

Contents of My Kitchen Table

On Tuesday, I walked upstairs after lunch to match up my coupons with my grocery list. I walked into the kitchen, and this is what was on the table. For some unknown, deeply profound psychological reason, I felt the need to share this with the world and save it for posterity. So, I grabbed my phone, made a list, and emailed it to my self.

3 skeins of yarn

3 bottles of glue

1 tailless rubber lizard

1 pair sewing scissors

2 brown napkins

Pack of 4 crayons and coloring book from PF Changs

3 empty water bottles

1 paper carry out bag from PF Changs (folded)

1 plastic container (clean) with 2 lean plastic spoons inside

1 pack of "wikki stix"

2 yarn art creations (drying)

1 glass craft pebble

1 small shell

1 tiny orange Knex connecter

1 half dead plant

1 sugar encrusted measuring spoon

1 mostly consumed plastic cup of chocolate milk with straw

You've read "Contents of a Dead Man's Pockets," right?

Not Me Monday: Kitchen Chairs

Yesterday, I did NOT write down a huge list of housework chores that needed done and then I did NOT decided partway through completing the list that I wanted to reupholster my kitchen chairs. I did NOT work myself into exhaustion trying to do a ton of housework and a big project at the same time. NOT at all. NOT me.

This was NOT at all like the same time last year when I also did NOT decide to reupholster the kitchen chairs at the last minute.

Last summer, I did NOT agree to co-host a baby shower with my sister for a very young first time mother. My sister and I did NOT both assume that the other one was taking car of the guest list and the invitations. We did NOT discover a week before the shower that neither of us had actually invited anyone. We did NOT keep that little oversight completely secret from the guest of honor. We then did NOT both totally over-invite to make up for this lapse, and then did NOT have more guests attending than I could possibly squeeze into my little living room.

The morning of the party, I did NOT drag my kitchen chairs into the living room to make up for the one loveseat and two small arm chairs that were the sole extent of my furniture. I did NOT stare at them in disgust, realizing for the first time how completely old and stained their fabric seats were. I did NOT, repeat NOT, leave immediately for the fabric store. I did NOT drag my sweet and innocent little girl along with me as a co-conspirator.

At the fabric store, I did NOT fall in love with the super-expensive, totally impractical, oriental silk like fabric. I did NOT have to rely on the voice of an eleven year old child to be the voice of reason talking me into the very affordable wipe-off vinyl fabric.

I did NOT get back home, flip all my chairs on their side, and I did NOT crazily take a phillips-head screwdriver to their bases. I did NOT punch out all six chair pads and leave them strewn all over two rooms of the house. This process did NOT produce enough crumbs to feed a starving person.

I certainly did NOT at that point grab the wood cleaner to begin scrubbing down the chair legs and backs.

I was NOT still in the middle of this process when my first guest arrived. She was NOT a family member who had come over early to help because she knew what a complete scatter-brain I was and knew I would need someone sane to keep things together. (She did NOT get there before my sister, who was at a niche grocery store picking up food items I had never heard of and can't remember for the life of me.) She also was NOT pregnant herself and was NOT super-excited about helping out with a baby shower. Walking into my house which looked like Freddy Krueger Does Chairs was NOT like a child waking up on Christmas morning to pieces of a disassembled bike all over the livring room.

Frantically trying to staple squares of vinyl fabric around the not quite square chair pads as the clock ticked down to time for the shower was NOT the first time I had ever used a staple gun. The staple gun did NOT run out of staples on the third chair pad. The Jedi had NOT left the house to run his own errands for the morning. I was NOT all alone with an empty staple gun, a disappointed pregnant woman, and six chairs in twelve pieces.

I did NOT raid the Jedi's workbench for the second time that morning.

I did NOT realize that even after I had managed to wrap and staple new fabric around the chair pads, that I couldn't actually screw the pads back on the chairs. I did NOT consider running back to the Jedi's workbench  for a roll of duct tape. I certainly did NOT ask the pregnant woman to sit on the chairs while I tried to screw the pad back in from underneath.

That is NOT exactly what we were doing when the Jedi walked back in the door. I certainly did NOT have to throw myself on the Jedi's mercy to get my chairs put back together while I cleaned up the massive mess of crumbs.

When my sister showed up and started putting together the most beautiful buffet ever, I did NOT pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had happened in my morning.

Computer Tech Support at Mrs. Random's House

1. Wake up. Turn on computer using big toe of right foot.
2. Go do the rest of morning routine.
3. Come back to computer. Sit down in chair. Jiggle mouse.
4. Stare at the black screen.
5. Look under desk at computer box. Power light is on and fan is running.
6. Jiggle mouse again.
7. Screen is still blank.
8. Check the monitor. There seems to be a little green light on under the button that might be a power button for the monitor.
9. Push an arrow key on the keyboard. Take that computer.
10. Desktop comes up on the screen. Booyah.
11. Move the mouse around. The cursor stands still. Victory is short lived.
12. Decide maybe the track ball needs cleaning or something. Pick up mouse.
13. Mouse is a lazer mouse. Run your finger over the little red lazer light just in case.
14. Huh.
15. Maybe mouse is unplugged. Jiggle cord of mouse.
16. Look under desk and jiggle cord of mouse to figure out which of the twenty million cables back there is the mouse cord.
17. Crawl under desk. Follow mouse cord to back of computer. Mouse cord appears to be securely plugged in. Jiggle it anyway.
18. Back to chair and jiggle mouse again. Cursor doesn't care.
19. Never surrender.
20. Raid the Jedi's supply of extra computer parts. Grab a mouse off the top of a box.
21. Back to desk with ill-gotten goods. Put unlawfully obtained mouse on mouse pad, drop cord behind desk.
22. Crawl under desk again. Unplug evil non-responsive mouse. Ignore the ominous bleeeep that follows this action.
23. Be smart enough to note that the two mice have totally different pluggy things at the end of their little mice tails.
24. Scooch the computer box out and start a scavenger hunt for a hole that might be the same shape as the pluggy thing on the stolen mouse's tail. 
25. Consider asking Sweetling for help. Discard this notion. Sweetling will probably say something sensible like check with the Jedi. 
26. Find a round green hole that seems to be the same size as the round green plug of the mouse. They are even the same color. This is surely a portent.
27. After a little finagling, plug the new mouse in.
28. Back to chair. Wiggle mouse.
29. Nothing.
30. Maybe it needs rebooted.
31. Realize you can't get to the windows "start" button on your desk top without a mouse. Its a Catch 22.
32. Ah, but wait, there is a reset button right above the computer power button.
33. Push that. 
34. Go water plants.
35. Come back. The computer is asking if you really want to restart. Once again, the mouse is useless BUT the default button is the one you want, so just hit enter.
36. Congratulate yourself on once again outwitting the device.
37. The computer reboots. The mouse you nabbed works. 
38. Pick up the useless lazer mouse. Put it on the Jedi's desk. Worry about how your going to explain all this later.
39. Sit back down at the computer. Realize you have forgotten what you wanted to accomplish on the bleepity bleeping machine in the first place.
40. When all else fails, blog, baby, blog. 

Prime Directive

A new rule went into effect in our home today; there is to be no Wii between the hours of 9 and 3 on a school day. This is not a very popular rule. Toa of Boy almost perished through the long, terrible withdrawal. Yet, in the end he decided to use his free time to make a picture with his 3d paint set and build a complex lego spaceship.

He brought his lego spaceship into the kitchen to show me. He was describing wall the different decks and such and then said, "Guess what, Mommy? This ship doesn't have any guns."

"Really?" says his hippy-at-heart Mommy. "Is it an exploration vessel?"

"No, it has lazers!"

Of course.

The show and tell session then became a description of exactly how many ways this "gun-less" vessel could destroy other spacecraft.

The Bees Knees

Today's Mosaic of Trivia--

Knees

I'm hoping that spring comes soon just because the knees of Toa of Boy's pants are all starting to give out. Every week I do laundry I have to pitch at least one more pair of pants because the knee has been completely shredded. When kind-hearted friends first started giving me clothes for the boy, I thought I had way too many clothes for him. Little did I know that I needed all those clothes and more because boys *destroy* clothes. It's maybe part of the y-chromosome, need to be continuously prepping for battle or something. At any rate, I stuff his drawers with clothes, and then keep at least one more bag of clothes in the closet to replace pants as they wear out....and I'm still running out of clothes by the end of one season.

Tape Measure

I think I've lost the Jedi's tape measure. Don't tell the Jedi ;) I briefly considered blaming the boy just so I would avoid getting in trouble. But then the boy woke up, came into the living room in a pair of pants with a huge hole in the knee, and snuggled up next to me on the couch. Even I type this, there he is, looking up at me with those big, dark eyes that just melt my heart. So plan B is let's replace the tape measure with a new one from Walmart and hope the Jedi doesn't notice.

Portrait of Insanity

Why is it that when I lose something, my search eventually deteroriates into looking in impossible, ridiculuous locations? I had the tape measure in the master bedroom. I was measuring the bed, so I could price fabric and sheets to determine if it would be cheaper to buy sheets or to buy fabric over the internet to make my own sheets. Therefore I naturally started my search in the bedroom. No tape measure. I started opening clothing drawers. Still no tape measure. I went into the closet room/server room. No tape measure. I sifted through the clutter on my desk. No tape measure. I came up stairs and looking in the cabinet that houses my sewing machine. No. I sat there, staring at the sewing machine cabinet and wondering where else I could look. My next logical thought? The freezer. That's right. The freezer. I didn't look in the freezer. I came and blogged instead.

Love/Hate

We couldn't log on to school yesterday. I don't know why. Sweetling wasn't disappointed. That makes for an easy day for both kids, since it halves the lessons we have access too. I'm proud to say that I didn't give up to play Zelda. I did phonics and math with a reluctant boy, threatening with the loss of all he holds dear if he didn't co-operate (beautiful portrait of home-schooling in action). And I did laundry. And worked on the Rez script for Easter. And made pancakes. And watched Olympics. See, I told you I didn't have a problem ;)

Signs that you MIGHT be playing too much Wii

1. You're six year old can't read the word "turtle", but instantly recognizes the word "koopa".

2. The same six year old could spell the word Wii before he could spell his own name.

3. You find yourself explaining scripture verses to your children by making analogies to various video games.

4. The word "boss" means a big creature that you have to fight at the end of a level.

5. At church, Awana jewels aren't "earned", they are "unlocked".

6. Wii music is your primary music curriculum for your homeschool.

7. Other families with multiple children spend their Saturday's working out transportation to soccer games and other activities while your major scheduling headaches come from trying to regulate equal turns on the Wii.

8. As an adult, your biggest achievement for the week is completing the Temple of Time without dying even once.

9. A dream of walking through a beautiful redwood forest comes complete with floating heart icons.

10. You really hoping Nintendo comes out with a line of Edu-Wii-cation products so you can use the Wii for school work.

Cleaning Truisms

If you read my overly wordy post this weekend, you'll know we've been busy. Another way you might be able to tell we've been busy would have been to walk into my house. After three weeks of non-stop projects and activities, my house was beginning to look like a candidate for a "Clean House" episode.

The only reason we've had clean dishes to eat off of for the past week or more is that the Jedi quietly took over dish duty. The Jedi hates clutter, but he knows the Xuan loves Christmas, so he's been suffering in silence while chaos reigns around him.

Last night I announced that Monday would be a house cleaning day. Nothing else was getting done until the house was clean. I think the Jedi felt like cheering. He didn't. He just calmly affirmed me by reminding the kids that this meant no computer, no ds, and no wii till they helped Mommy get the house clean.

So, last night, I wrote a list for each of us on the whiteboard in the kitchen. It was a simple list that, for the kids, read like this...
1. put away laundry
2. clean bedroom
3. clean living room
4. clean school room
5. dust living room and bedroom
6. sort laundry
7. shower and get dressed

My list was similar and went like this
1. Empty and reload dishwasher and water plants
2. Clean kitchen (table, counters, stove, floor) and hang up new Christmas cards
3. clean living room
4. clean downstairs (schoolroom and master bedroom)
5. vacuum
6. sort laundry and start laundry
7. clean bathroom, scrub tub, shower and get dressed.

This morning, I announced that we would set the kitchen timer for 15 minutes and at the end of each 15 minute segment, I would check on everybody's progress. When the kids got one item done on their list, they could either move on to the next item, or they could have a few minutes of free time until I was ready to move onto the next item on my list. It was a good system. It kept everyone on track and broke the work into bite sized chunks.

We got all the cleaning done by 12:40. As we worked, I discovered a few fundamental truths that I felt worth sharing.

• Any product that claims it "cuts through kitchen grease" is a bold face liar. I personally believe that the bricks which hold up the gates of hell are mortared together with kitchen grime because its nigh industructable.

• Extraverted 6 year olds are incapable of working independently for 15 minutes without interrupting their mother at least twice.
• "Put it away or I will throw it away," is a great motivational phrase.
• It is possible for a pre-teen girl to clean her bedroom without turning the proceedure into a soap opera.
• Questioning whether one's mother is in danger of violating child labor laws might just get you assigned to a research report on the history of child labor laws. Just saying.
• An aspiring young artist can quickly accumulate a pile of papers in his bedroom that could be pieced together into enough blankets to supply the entire homeless population of a small city.
• You probably don't want to know what the large clunking object was which your vacuum cleaner just sucked up. The important thing to know is that the machine is still working.

Seven Things I've Learned Today

1. Mommys, sadly, are not allowed to have M$M's for lunch. Even if they are peanut M$Ms.

2. Sixth graders do not appreciate being zurburted during algebra.

3. Squirrels won't eat or take lily bulbs, but they will dig them up from the garden.

4. Boys need more than cocoa krispies for breakfast.

5. Even if I follow a collection of pro-tips, it would take me four hours to clean my house properly...assuming I don't start with a sink of dirty dishes and several flat surfaces of clutter in every room and that I'm not counting laundry time. How depressing is that?

6. Having five weeks worth of newspaper coupons to clip and file is the suxers. I don't even know how I got so far behind. I have a theory whose name starts with the letter X and ends with the letter N.

7. Learning to read is a magical, mystical process. Any expert who claims to have it all figured out must be lying. Really, what happens is you work with a child and work with a child and the child works and works and gets frustrated and cries and then tries again. And you get frustrated and cry and think you are a miserable failure of a teacher, but you try again. And then, suddenly, before either of you know it, you are sitting beside the child while they are reading aloud. And suddenly it hits you...hey! He's DOING IT!!!!! And then you wonder, when and how did that happen?

8. (Because I can't leave you with an accurately numbered list, now can I?)
8. When you are six, it's always a good time to look at fun cakes.